trigger

January prompt

turns out i hold the trigger to the avalanche of my life
i've managed to control it. 
to not pull it when every instinct says 
'do it'
but when you type out the words, 
when you hover your thumb over send,
but then there's that voice. 
'you cant do this again,
not right now, 
not soon'

how can i argue with the truth. 
i lock my phone again. 
put in back in my pocket.
maybe holding the trigger and not pulling, 
is braver than holding it and pulling.
if i hover my finger there, 
over the avalanche, 
even if i unsend it.

my brain told my finger to not click on that button,
maybe it saved me again,
saved me some stress,
some emotion,
i stopped the avalanche from coming down on me.

im safe for now.
until i get lonely again,
until i feel the need to click that button,
"hello" cant hurt right.
but its not right.
its too soon. 
so ill trust you.
ill trust Your timing and maybe that timing is never
maybe its tomorrow,
but right now i trust. 
i wait. 

ill be brave. i wont pull the trigger. 

until the ink spills

— scarlett parker

ps. i promise there are no real triggers involved. its a metaphor.

pps. also im alive. like sorry i haven’t posted recently. hope for a few more poems this month